Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My thoughts, my dreams my disected heart..

This was something I posted to a CF forum, but I thought it might help other people understand what we feel as well.

I have a draft waiting to be finished about exactly what happened this last month in detail but it is late and I need to get up early. So perhaps this weekend, I will post it but for now here is just a little something.

So I still wonder and dream about the future even though it will be cut short. I lean towards looking on the positive stories and hope for the best and have faith that my outcome will be just as positive if not better. Then there are days when I feel cheated and robbed of life, the days where I see a daughter and a Mother together and I long for that relationship. When I see a Grandmother and Grandfather with their grandchildren, and I realize that will never be me. I am not a negative person, not at all, in fact my closest friends will tell you the opposite of that and that I need to be more realistic. So please don't think that I am some, "woe as me," "Eeyore," having a pity party person because that is not the case at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is, with my naturally optimistic attitude on life it can blind me from the truth or the inevitable and most of all reality. This can almost always lead to being let down and bitterness in our hearts and in our attitudes. So what do you do to help your self cope through these tough topics what helps you live on even when your dreams (or at least some) will never come true?

What happens when you have a passion for something that you know that if anything was meant for someone, this was meant for you to do? But you know deep in your heart it will never come true...Was it a lie, was that passion, that longing, that dream futile and false?

Or is there more then meets the eye, do you all believe everything happens for a reason? Is there a reason why my life long dream to be a mom might not ever happen? It almost seems very cruel to put that desire inside someone who will most likely never have children. Sorry for the ramble, I was just having a long, "think." :)


Nana said...

You express yourself, wonderfully, sweet pea. . . .I have always admired your spirit, it is a strong one. But also, you are being a very honest woman. We also, pray that all your dreams come true, and we will never stop! We love you more than life! Pop and Nana

Sharlie Kaltenbach said...

Sweet Rebecca,

I know exactly how you feel. I am so blessed to have a son, he is truly a miracle that I hoped for and dreamed of my whole life not knowing if that wish would ever come to pass. I decided to replace my fears and doubts with faith and trust and put everything in the Lord's hands. I trusted His plan for our family. I can completely relate to everything you said. I hope that you also have that miracle in your life and I will continue to pray for that.

Leah said...

i think you will have kids. i know you may have to try harder than most people, and may have to use alternate routes, but i have never thought that you wouldn't! i never thought i would have one child, and then i thought i would never have two (and i don't WANT three) but don't give up on your dreams...CF or no CF