Stress!! Is that so negative of me to admit that I am stressed? Is that so negative of me to write what I am going through??
My blog is not a display of my life, of day to day routines but in fact the feelings, emotions and insight to what I, as a person with CF deal with.
Rarely is there anything pleasant about CF and the life that it gives you. I am not trying to be a debbie-downer all the time, and I apologize if it seems that I am always so, "woe is me," when I write.
My intentions are not to make you cry, nor even for you to read this blog, if you do that is fine i hope you do, but if you don't I am still gonna write.
Most people in a generalisation, do not open up, or have a hard time to express what they are feeling inside, I am telling you that I am not afraid to let it out to try and express what I am going through.
Not that I boasting in my abilities, I am just saying that when I write you can think of it more as myself practicing to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words.
Today I am struggling with the
to work out, but I really need to
making it a part of my routine.
I am determined to gain back
some of my lung capacity with
After that @11 I am getting a
much needed massage!!
Then I am going to clean, work on
the scholarship application, I am
just gonna try and see what the Lord
might have there.
Then tonight a few of my girlfriends
are having a girls night, some of
them are spending the night, but I think I
should drive all the way back home in
order to do my treatments
in the AM.
Work has been crazy, trying to
catch up from being sick for so long,
Well thats it for now.
An unlikely friend has come, am I walking on dangerous ground?
Do I let them in or run and hide? I know that I need to be careful,
but I still need to be an example.
Work is bringing so much stress with the combination of my my health,
I couldn't sleep last night, I woke up thinking about work, thinking
about what needs to get done, wondering how I am gonna do it all.
Yesterday at work I felt almost paralysed at times, it was horrible I
couldn't calm myself down like normal, I kept on crying, very much
not like me to be emotional in front of people or at work, being around
people usually brings an overwhelming happiness.
Not only that, I have additional pressure because everyone knows I am a PK
and a few people are Christians including my boss, so I am always getting pulled
aside and being told how I should act in different situations, that pressure
drives me crazy.
So as you can see the stress is bad, I have a stressful job in general, on top of having
CF missing a month of work, I can't handle it, and that is not it I have a committee
watching my every move making sure that I do everything according to the
conduct of Christ.
I am not PERFECT, I am stinkin forgiven for the times I do mess up, I don't understand
their logic wagging their fingers at me, sometimes you need to remove the plank from
your own eye first, before removing the spec from mine!!
Now those are my 2 examples, I am more inclined to write example #2, not that I am trying to be dramatic, or a debbie-downer, I am just trying to express the deeper feelings that most hold in . I simply find it more of a challenge to express and open up something so deep, it may seem like I am a depressed individual, or unhealthy in nature, but I only try to express the emotions that people have a harder time to unleash.
I just wanted to explain myself, because there is a continuous talk about how sad and depressing I am. This simply is not true, I just need to let out my deepest thoughts some where and for me they come out the best when I write them.
I think personally that people tend to hide their anger, sadness etc, because they see them as negative, but I see them as human nature, we don't live in a perfect world why should we act like we do?
Of course I do no think we should exploit or dwell in a pool of sadness for if you have the hope and joy of the Lord that is the greatest gift in the whole world, it can turn your tears into a smile when you simply remember His love for you. That is what I am all about.
I hope that explains myself even more, I am sorry for the sadness I may have caused you.