Saturday, August 23, 2008

I will not live in the guilt I know, standing in the grace of God -Not for the Crowd

Stress!! Is that so negative of me to admit that I am stressed? Is that so negative of me to write what I am going through??

My blog is not a display of my life, of day to day routines but in fact the feelings, emotions and insight to what I, as a person with CF deal with.

Rarely is there anything pleasant about CF and the life that it gives you. I am not trying to be a debbie-downer all the time, and I apologize if it seems that I am always so, "woe is me," when I write.

My intentions are not to make you cry, nor even for you to read this blog, if you do that is fine i hope you do, but if you don't I am still gonna write.

Most people in a generalisation, do not open up, or have a hard time to express what they are feeling inside, I am telling you that I am not afraid to let it out to try and express what I am going through.

Not that I boasting in my abilities, I am just saying that when I write you can think of it more as myself practicing to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words.


Today I am struggling with the


to work out, but I really need to


making it a part of my routine.

I am determined to gain back

some of my lung capacity with


After that @11 I am getting a

much needed massage!!

Then I am going to clean, work on

the scholarship application, I am

just gonna try and see what the Lord

might have there.

Then tonight a few of my girlfriends

are having a girls night, some of

them are spending the night, but I think I

should drive all the way back home in

order to do my treatments

in the AM.

Work has been crazy, trying to

catch up from being sick for so long,

pressure galore!

Well thats it for now.

Example #2:

An unlikely friend has come, am I walking on dangerous ground?

Do I let them in or run and hide? I know that I need to be careful,

but I still need to be an example.

Work is bringing so much stress with the combination of my my health,

I couldn't sleep last night, I woke up thinking about work, thinking

about what needs to get done, wondering how I am gonna do it all.

Yesterday at work I felt almost paralysed at times, it was horrible I

couldn't calm myself down like normal, I kept on crying, very much

not like me to be emotional in front of people or at work, being around

people usually brings an overwhelming happiness.

Not only that, I have additional pressure because everyone knows I am a PK

and a few people are Christians including my boss, so I am always getting pulled

aside and being told how I should act in different situations, that pressure

drives me crazy.

So as you can see the stress is bad, I have a stressful job in general, on top of having

CF missing a month of work, I can't handle it, and that is not it I have a committee

watching my every move making sure that I do everything according to the

conduct of Christ.

I am not PERFECT, I am stinkin forgiven for the times I do mess up, I don't understand

their logic wagging their fingers at me, sometimes you need to remove the plank from

your own eye first, before removing the spec from mine!!

Now those are my 2 examples, I am more inclined to write example #2, not that I am trying to be dramatic, or a debbie-downer, I am just trying to express the deeper feelings that most hold in . I simply find it more of a challenge to express and open up something so deep, it may seem like I am a depressed individual, or unhealthy in nature, but I only try to express the emotions that people have a harder time to unleash.

I just wanted to explain myself, because there is a continuous talk about how sad and depressing I am. This simply is not true, I just need to let out my deepest thoughts some where and for me they come out the best when I write them.

I think personally that people tend to hide their anger, sadness etc, because they see them as negative, but I see them as human nature, we don't live in a perfect world why should we act like we do?

Of course I do no think we should exploit or dwell in a pool of sadness for if you have the hope and joy of the Lord that is the greatest gift in the whole world, it can turn your tears into a smile when you simply remember His love for you. That is what I am all about.

I hope that explains myself even more, I am sorry for the sadness I may have caused you.


Nana said...

Sweet Pea,

You are so healthy, mentally! When you express yourself,people are envious of that. Most people "pretend" that all is sunshine and roses, when they are hurting, sad, depressed, etc. You have been given the gift of "expression" it is a rare and cherished gift from the Lord. Do not be brought down, by other peoples "view" of your expressions. I know deep down in their hearts, they wish they could be like you! It is like you are your own physichiatrist, and that is what one would tell you to do! Never change, you are way ahead of the game. Love you much. Nana

Leah said...

our personalities can be very similar at times, and very different at times! you place heavy emphasis on opening up, and i put heavy emphasis on privacy! my privacy is so important to me, and without it i think i would go crazy. i much prefer opening up to one person at a time (like seth) because that is how my personality is and i don't wish at all to change that part of it. i guess we just do what works for us, and just be who we are because that's the only way to be. i have my blog set to private for that very reason. we both blog for ourselves, and to use our own creativeness, but we are creative in very different ways. i go through very low, suffocating, worrisome times as well but if i appear to be in good spirits i think that sometimes i really do end up there. like- smile even when you don't feel like smiling, and then your emotions catch up and pretty soon you really do feel like smiling! or the idea of whistling when you are scared, because you trick yourself into not being scared anymore. that's how i cope with things. anyways, your blog has never been depressing to me. dramatic, yes, but that is you. even since you were little and put on red lipstick and blue eyeshadow.. haha.
o.k. i just wrote a book so i'm going to go now.

seth... said...

Okay - hey this is my official comment on your blog! Heh heh heh. God bless you sis.